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Without further ado... my list:
1. Couch Softness Tester- If you are looking for a couch based solely on the irrevocable, unequivocal softness, I am your woman. I promise to frequent every store in every area near you and lounge on all the couches, feel the couches with my sensitive fingers, and maybe even jump on the couch to test its utter softness. You will not be disappointed with the results. How incredibly comfortable does that couch look?
2. Chocolate Wrap Critic- Raise your hand if you thought I was talking about food. Wow- so many admitting it! Well, I was not. I am referring to a luxurious spa relaxation technique. I will offer myself in a sacrificial fashion to have warm chocolate spread on me for the health of my skin and mental state. And with the benefit of knowing, you are not taking on any calories. I will report back with the facts as to which is the best wrap. Or perhaps you'll be able to tell from the condition of my mental state and skin, but probably not, because I'm extremely relaxed and stable in my current condition. It would be difficult to become more awesome.
3. Professional Jewelry Compliment Seizer- Perhaps you have bought a particular piece of jewelry with the intention of deriving compliments from the un-expecting casual observer of you. But before you wear it and find out if you will receive compliments or not, I vow to wear your jewelry of any variety (but especially of the valuable jewels kind) and let you know if I receive compliments. This keeps your delicate self-worth in tact and you can leave the house knowing with absolute assurance that you are the envy of all who see you. This.. is living.
4. Horse Fuzziness Specialist- You are frustrated and ready to give up. After parading past hundreds of horses, you cannot find the perfect horse for you. Fabulous news- I am here to help. With my expert guidance, I will assist you in finding the correct horse for you based on fuzziness. My unique approach includes snuggling, petting, cuddling, and riding your horse bareback to find out if the horse has the right amount of fuzziness for you. My fee includes sugar cubes, carrots, and hand sanitizer to help me accomplish the job as quickly as possible. Blissful.
5. Country Hopper- Have you ever wondered if it was possible to visit a different country every day, eat a meal, and make it to all the countries without skipping a day? I have. With a chartered private plane, I will take my expertise to a whole new level. With the dedication of Around the World in 80 Days, I will visit each country (a different country each day) and have a meal (something that resembles pizza or a burger) and I will tell you if it is a possible task. I know you've been dying to know. Better yet, you've probably been dying to watch a National Geographic show on it.
So what's a job that you wish were real?
Bossy. I want to tell large groups of people what to do, when to do it and how it should be done. As bosses are wrong most of the time, I would be perfect for such a career! I'd even do it for free!
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